This year has been interesting.
I started driving lessons earlier in the year, which is a big deal for me. I'm an incredibly anxious person, so my lessons were full of worry, second-guessing and mistrust.
My driving instructor said that I was a "good driver". I didn't believe him, especially when I failed my first test.
When I was taking the test the first time, I froze as I was doing the cones and forgot everything I needed to do. As a result, it took me a while to drive again and to retake the test. But, I did, and I didn't have to do the cones this time because my instructor said I was a "good driver" but too anxious to overcome the big bad cones. He said he'd seen me clear the cones a million times at driving school and was confident that I didn't have to do them for the test.
I chose to believe him, but not because I thought I was a good driver who just a little nervous, but because I didn't want to try and tackle the cones. I didn't want to fail the same way again, so I opted for a short cut.
All I needed to do the day I retook my test was drive on the road, and I did. Even though driving on the road was all I needed to do, I was still nervous. In fact, I was shaking throughout the ride.
After the examination was over, my examiner even gave me a pep talk and gave me his number (in case I have an anxiety attack on the road I presume). He could tell that I was anxious and he was nice to me. He gave me hope that the road wouldn't be such a terrifying place.
The road has been a terrifying place, though. Since my test, I've been in many near accidents which would have been my fault. I know that probably sounds melodramatic, and I wish that wasn't true, but it is. I've had trouble gaining the confidence I think is required to be comfortable in the driver's seat. However, (for those of you questioning my driving skills), I've grown and learned from those mistakes. I like to believe that through my near accidents, I've become and am becoming a better driver. I think I'm doing this by learning to slowly replace my anxiety with caution and my self-doubt with confidence in God and in the person He's turning me into.
Through driving and my near accidents, God has given me a revelation of what anxiety is. I heard this truth spoken by Erwin McManus at Colour conference, but it never sank in until yesterday. "Anxiety is a negative projection of a perceived future."
Before I drive, I tend to project a future where I hit into someone, and it's my fault. While I drive, I tend to worry about hitting into someone and being at fault. After I drive, I tend to project a future where I'm dealing with the aftermath of having hit into someone and being at fault.
I think it's clear that my perceived future stems from a negative place in my mind. A place where everything is my fault and will always be my fault because I'm not good enough for anyone or anything. Hello, Imposter Syndrome. Is that you?
Why, yes. Yes, I think it is.
I think my anxiety and lack of confidence when it comes to driving stems from the fact that I feel like a fraud. I feel like I don't deserve my license because I chose not to do the cones. I practically cheated, and actions have consequences. I feel like I have no right to be on the road and every moment I spend pretending that I do I end up putting myself and others in danger. So, I punished myself by projecting a future where my first accident would be my fault.
Despite what was projected in my mind reality was not the same. In reality, someone hit into me.
Yes, you read that right. On the 9th of September at about 5:30pm, I was involved in an accident. Someone hit into me, and it wasn't my fault.
Here's what went down. On the way home back from work, I was on the inner lane of the main road slightly behind a public transport bus on the outer lane with its hazards on. In hindsight, I realise that it probably had its hazards on because the conductor had just come from picking up passengers and not because it had an issue. Anyway, I digress.
I initially thought the bus had hazards on because it had an issue. I always assume that when travelling on the main road in the inner lane, it's good to be next to or slightly behind any moving vehicle in the outer lane. I assume this because it deters people from joining the road and shields you from being hit if people still try. Additionally, I believed that no one would try to join the main road, mainly because the bus had hazards on.
Had I used the bus for cover effectively, I believe Pluto would have made it home unscathed. I've used another car to cover myself from being hit in the inner lane many a time so, I figured it would work again. Why wouldn't it?
God had a different plan, though. A plan for the car that gets me where I need to go (aka Pluto) to be pummelled.
Before I knew what was happening, the bus, that was blocking my view of the left lane, drove off and a woman joined the road. Unfortunately, she joined before checking that inner lane was clear and ended up smacking into my headlight.
I panicked when I felt the impact, and if I'm candid, even though I knew that I had the right of way, I still thought that I was at fault. Let's be real here. Even though I couldn't see the left lane, I didn't even look at it at all. When the woman hit me, I was shocked because I wasn't expecting her. That's not how driving works or at least that's not how it should work. I should have looked. I should have been more cautious.
In my attempt to torture myself yet again, I heard the words "that's enough. It wasn't your fault. You are a good driver," on whispered above the noise. After that, I couldn't convince myself that I had done anything wrong at all. No negative thought I conjured up could stand under the weight of the whispered truth. So, instead of fighting it, I allowed peace to fill my heart and mind.
Through this incident, I've been reminded that things will happen that aren't going to be my fault, and some things will be my fault. Regardless, everything that affects me is my responsibility to respond to and deal with. It doesn't matter if I'm at fault or not.
"What happens to you doesn't matter, but how you respond does.” ― Epictetus, paraphrase mine. How right this quote is.
How I respond to a situation determines what I experience next.
No situation has any bearing over my life unless I am the one who chooses to give it. Once I respond to a situation, I make it real for me. Once I respond, I become part of the game―I'm in it, and now it needs to be played through.
I know that in my response lies my power. So, I'm going to respond by refusing to complain and shrink away from driving by making it someone else's responsibility. I'm going to respond by refusing to let the mistakes of others or my mistakes stop me from striving to be a more cautious and confident driver.
Though, just between you and me, I need a break because that was a little traumatic for both Pluto and I.
Oh and just in case it isn't clear, my caption is somewhat a joke. The damage is ugly, and it's much worse than depicted, but that's not why I named my car Pluto. I called him Pluto because my car is black and Pluto is a dwarf planet without much sunlight.
I'll leave you with some of this fascinating information I learned about Pluto before I named the car after it. According to Glaze, Erickson, Davis, Barnett and Dunford (2017), sunlight is weaker than it is on Earth as Pluto orbits on the outskirts of the solar system. Despite this, the dwarf planet isn't completely dark. It's interesting to note that momentarily the illumination on Earth matches that of a high moon on Pluto (Glaze et al, 2017).
References:
Glaze, L., Erickson, K., Davis, P., Barnett, A., & Dunford, B. (2017). Pluto Time | Pluto – NASA Solar System Exploration. Retrieved 11 September 2020, from https://solarsystem.nasa.gov/planets/dwarf-planets/pluto/plutotime/