Trigger warning: this post makes hints at suicidal thoughts.
I don’t think God is concerned with protecting himself. Maybe, that’s the first mistake we make as humans.
I believe that many, if not all, wars could be said to have been derived from a possibly inherent need to protect oneself. I believe that many, if not all, arguments could be said to have been derived from a possibly inherent need to protect oneself. I get that there’s no way I can prove that, but I think that as humans, we can be obsessed with self-preservation, which leads to a movement away from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable for fear of being hurt.
What I can say for certain is that it’s clear that God was never concerned about being hurt or vulnerable. He sent His one and only son to pay the price for our sins. The price was death. A painful, humiliating and undeserved death. The darling of Heaven was crucified. He lay on the cross, half-naked, bleeding and alone. Forsaken by his Father so that we could live a life free from the slavery of sin and being forsaken ourselves.
I believe if we stop worrying about ourselves, even just a little bit every day, we’ll become more like Jesus. If we choose to surrender and allow ourselves to be last in line, we’ll come first. I realised that when I took a hard look at my life and evaluated my feelings, thoughts, emotions and actions.
I’m a Christian and I make so many mistakes that sometimes, I think it would be better for God to put out my fire because I’m a bruised reed and smouldering wick. Sometimes, I ask him to extinguish me so I can rest.
Sad, I know!
But, it gets better. If you’re going through something similar, I can assure you it does get better! Nothing stays the same when Jesus is involved, so invite him into your midst.
As a consequence of inviting Jesus into my midst and praying, I found a book in a bag I hadn’t used for a year. It was called ‘He Still Moves Stones.’ It talked about many things, but the thing that caught my attention the most was the chapter that was talking about bruised reeds and smouldering wicks.
It was then that I remember evaluating my response to my entire life.
Yes, I’ve been hurt and so bruised that I believed it would be better if my life was over and yes, I’ve begged God to take me out of it.
He said no by the way, and he did it by pointing me to a verse that says “He will not turn away a bruised reed or extinguish a smouldering wick.”
Translation?
“I’m never going to leave you alone when you’re hurting and I’m not going to help you quit living in the name of protecting yourself. Don’t concern yourself with your protection. I will protect you, just be still and be quiet. Trust me, my love!”
After hearing Him speak to me in that way, I realise that I was obsessed with protecting myself.
In almost every incident after being hurt, I just wanted to ensure I never cried for the same reason more than once. I even went as far as limiting the times I cried. True story. I also took part in isolating myself from people that I believed were too good for me and of course, doing that only fed into my depressive thoughts.
The sad part is that I still do it. Even with family members and even with friends who have been loyal and even with God himself. Isn’t that crazy?
I try to ignore the fact that I push people away more than I allow people in. Sometimes, it’s just easier to live with the guarantee that no one is ever going to hurt you because you control who you let in.
But, who am I protecting myself from? What am I protecting myself from? Genuine Joy? Genuine Love? What am I substituting these things for? Mediocrity.
Jesus didn’t die for me to set up a great wall around my heart. I know there’s a verse that says guard your heart, but I don’t think it means set up an army to take out anyone who gets too close. That’s what I took it to mean, though. I guarded myself from the thing I needed most: community. And, it ruined me!
I pride myself on being vulnerable, but I don’t let people in. Not really.
I think that there’s a difference between being cautious and being overprotective.
Even if you get hurt, allow yourself to experience everything. The good and the bad side of life. We are God’s children and we are living on a fallen earth.
Jesus died so that we can live life to the fullest. So, live! Love! Cry. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay not to be okay. Take it from a girl who’s spent most of her life hiding inside the barracks she created in her mind.
That’s no way to live. And remember, there’s a promise returning all the stolen years. God’s got you. He will cover all of the experiences you think you missed out on. He’s doing it for me. One day at a time.
So, don’t worry about protecting yourself. That’s God’s job. By His shoulder you are healed and protected. I can promise you that.