Trigger warning: this post makes hints at suicide and it talks about death.
“Why are you so obsessed with death?” My cousin asked me this question recently. I couldn’t answer her because it’s a topic that’s weighed heavy on my heart for a long time. Depression has been part of my life for so long; it almost feels as though it’s always been there.
I would not say I like talking about my depression because it’s hard to make sense of it even for me. So, how can I expect an outsider to understand what’s going on in my mind?
I know if I could speak about it as freely as I wanted to, without the fear of being misunderstood, I would probably say something like this: “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because life is painful. Maybe I’m obsessed with death because I’m afraid to live. What I know for sure is that there’s no guarantee that I will die when I want to. So, I kill myself a little every day by doing things I know that God doesn’t like.” I know that doesn’t make any sense. I know it sounds foolish. I know that might be hard to understand, but it’s my truth, and I don’t want it to be anymore. I don’t want to be afraid to feel any form of pain. I don’t want to be afraid to live. I choose to stop running from God and run to him so that I can hide in his promises. In his word. Where the pain can still find me, but I will never suffer alone. I choose to renounce the fear that binds me to a dull existence so that I can truly live life abundantly.
Yes, I am a Christian, and I have been baptised, but recently, I’ve realised how jacked up I am because I stopped letting God be God. I rejected the power that could make me Holy often in a bid to end my life without really ending it— kind of like committing suicide without physically dying.
I was hoping if I crossed the line, maybe I would be let off easy. If I did something that offended Him, then He would end it all in one swoop. End the pain and the suffering so that I didn’t have to.
I’m done with that now.
I’ve let the fear of living outside my bubble govern my life for too long. I wanted to have safe travel through life so that I didn’t make too many bad decisions. Too many decisions that would make people see me as something other than a well put together woman of God that has lived a pristine life. However, I have not lived a pristine life. I've made mistakes, and it's taken me a while to realise that it's okay.
One of my best friends told me that “safe isn’t always better”, and it really got me thinking.
He was right. With me being so fixated on living a safe life, I failed to realise that I had limited myself. Don’t get me wrong. Safe travel through life would be amazing! However, I’m a human being. The reality is that I’m prone to making mistakes, and trust me - it’s okay.
Life is for living. Jesus didn’t die for me to live a filtered experience. One where I spend my time micromanaging everything I do or say. He came so I could live life abundantly. To me, that means living my life with no fear of the highs and lows. And everything in between.
I’m done being afraid of living because I know that there’s no condemnation in Jesus. Highs and lows! Jesus is with me either way it goes!
That doesn’t mean I’m going to be reckless and make bad decisions. I’m going to make an effort to live abundantly, and to me, that means allowing myself to be an explorer by making spontaneous decisions. If those decisions end up being bad decisions, I won’t panic or judge myself for being human and making mistakes. I’ll acknowledge that it isn’t my fault the decision ended up taking a wrong turn, but I’ll make it my responsibility to learn from it and use it to become the woman that God knows I can be.
There’s no reason to be afraid of rising or falling anymore because I know that I am not alone. Neither are you. Wherever you are, and however your life may look like, remember that Jesus is always with you. Always. He never leaves your side. Not even for a second.