Anxiety is Crazy

“Do not let your difficulties fill you with anxiety, after all it is only in the darkest nights that stars shine more brightly.” ― Ali Ibn Abi Talib AS

Anxiety is crazy. I dislike it so much, mainly because I can’t quite find the words to explain what having anxiety is like. But, as a self-proclaimed author, I like to try and explain everything through my words. So this month, I wanted to tackle what having anxiety feels like for me personally because I know that it presents itself differently in every person.

Personally, having anxiety feels like there’s this thing that’s bothering me, and I see all possible outcomes. No outcome is good, and no one understands. People just assume I’m a “negative person” because it takes me a while to trust people or situations. But, paranoia is a part of being anxious, and it presents itself more often than not. Yes, I understand that living in fear that people are out to get you is no way to live, but I try my best. I try to combat that aspect of anxiety, but it's not easy, and it’s even harder to have people interpret it as being simply being negative.

Anxiety is crazy. In the situations that it rears its ugly head, it usually can make me feel like my life is going to end. Like I have no options. As though time is not my side. As though time never has been on my side.

Anxiety is crazy. In the situations that it rears its ugly head, it brings scenarios that race through my mind that I know are unlikely to happen. Impossibly dark and potentially dangerous situations taking turns to wreak havoc on my sensitive mind. Even though in the back of my mind there’s a quiet voice whispering “It’s okay. I’m here and I understand.” I still panic.

In the situations that it rears its ugly head, it makes me feel like my mind is an Island of violence. My head aches. My heart breaks from all the imaginary things that will come to pass if I don’t make an effort to change the situation some way or somehow. Yet, in those situations, my body usually refuses to move. It refuses to do anything. I get paralysed in those situations. Paralysed by fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the unseen. Fear of the unlikely.

Anxiety is crazy. It makes me have a fear of the unlikely. When I need to break the death grip that anxiety has on my mind, I try to dwell on the word unlikely. Why would I be afraid of something that isn’t even likely to come to pass? Something that isn’t even probable?

When I need my mind to be free from the endless scenarios anxiety brings, I try to dwell on the idea that I am afraid of what hasn’t come to pass yet. Furthermore, I’m afraid of what is unlikely to come to pass. Sometimes, I laugh at myself a little because of how ridiculous anxiety is. It truly is crazy. Seriously, though. How can one be afraid of what hasn’t happened? How can one be afraid of something that's unlikely to happen?

Anxiety is crazy. I can’t help but think about what it is that causes the consuming feeling of dread when the anxious thoughts come into my mind? Along with that question, I also tend to consider what can stop the fear from ever immobilising me again?

Something, when I have really bad days, I try to think back to the times that I’ve heard a still voice in the back of mind. A voice that I have been able to hear over the anxious screaming that renders me unable to move.

The still voice had always ways said, “I am here.”

Having anxiety has always made me feel alone. As though no would be able to understand. But, there’s that voice. An authoritative voice that always tells me that I’m not alone. That I have time. That I don’t need to worry. Those words are whispered continuously to me during turmoil and above the noise that anxiety makes. They are words to live by because of how truthful they are and always will be.

I believe that when anxiety rears its ugly head, I often forget that God is Time because He exists outside of it. He is the past, the present and the future.

I have Him, and He’s always on my side. Whether I experience highs or lows. When I panic about not having enough time, I think it’s because I spend too much time panicking and not enough time submitting to God.

I worry, and I get sick worrying when I should instead give my worries to the God that exists outside time as it can get me what I need to survive my earthly struggles. Including more time.